see how it molds and shapes and reacts and creates

so, another friday night at barnes writing and exploring the internet. fun fun. tonight seems a bit different though. i finished my book "the last lecture" earlier today and i guess it got me thinking. am i doing the right things in my life? do i have enough drive? am i managing my money (no) responsibly? is the risk i'm taking on worth the reward when i feel so lackadaisical about music? most people would definitely say yes. then again most people don't have life long goals or passions.

i'm not sure i'm doing all that i can. often times i feel like if i'm not working or creating something in some way than i need to be recording and making music. even if it's complete shit that has nothing to do with anything. everything can be a learning experience if you look at it with the right perspective. in fact, you learn the most from your biggest failures. but i don't i just watch a mythbusters episode or ding around gearslutz.

i think the amount of debt i'm taking on is starting to affect me in negative ways. i need to develop a plan so that paying back is set in stone. a strict budget. this year should start that. having a pay raise of some sort would certainly help with that, but i think it's unlikely that i'll be getting anything over $5000, which in my field is total shit....though with the state of the economy i'm lucky as hell to be where i am. bah, i get off on too many tangents.

i guess the main question i find myself wondering is whether or not i'm doing as much as i should be towards my goal of working full time in sound. i'm on the web researching and reading constantly, but what am i really learning? i think i need to find a way to work nights in a studio somewhere. yea. that'd be the day (no pun intended). I would kill to do that, even cleaning up the dirty bathrooms if it meant i could have actual session sit in time / learning on steroids. well, i won't ever get there by recording in my bedroom all my life. i need to throw together a resume and start making calls. that also means i need to invent a way to set myself apart from the 1000 kids that attempt the same thing every week around here. i guess my only real advantage right now is that i have some much nice gear! i mean what kid my age has a $8000 mic?? NO ONE. But real engineers don't give a fuck about that. not in the least. i realize this. i purchased that mic for my own benefit. so i could see what real pro gear sounds like and how it molds and shapes and reacts and creates. i feel it will be a real benefit when and if i finally take the step into commercial audio.

i'll tell you...most engineers aren't very well rounded. it's plain obvious. i guess that's one aspect of myself that a pro may find appealing. i have so many interests that i've developed in the last 15 years. photography, painting, computers, programming, web design, server management, art design, playing violin, guitar, drums, bass, singing, soldering, building, researching, math (haha kind of), networking, hacking, politics, writing (not very well), traveling, i mean geeze. i feel like i should retire and die already! i feel like most of my peers are good at two good things and one of them probably includes video games.

well, today i read some thing that struck me deeply in stephen's blog (from anberlin) and randy p.'s book (last lecture). they both ad dedicated entries about how people need to just ASK things. just ask questions. ask if you can tag along, ask if you can go there, take that, sit there. ask her out. ask for a raise, or a discount. ask for a strangers opinion. ask for everything! just see what happens and typically the worst that can happen is a "no." i mean how difficult is that to take when it boils down to it? not very difficult. i need to start asking for things. i never do. ever. i have problems asking for a soda refill during lunch. it's sad. i know. shy me doesn't want to put any body out...even if it's their job.

at least i can reflect on these thoughts! i'm out for the weekend (hopefully recording in f'burg) as tiffany has bailed on me tonight i'll probably just chill at home and do some mic tests of the blue caps for some gearslutz.


peace.