as tall as a lion

music. i can't really even begin to explain what it means to my life. i survive off of it. for me, music is almost like a living thing. doesn't matter the band, instrument, genre....anything. it's all the same. it's all physical waves hitting my ear drums. in my mind. it's something that can take me away to an entirely different place in an instant. it can talk to me and make me laugh, cry, happy, sad, angry, energetic. it follows me wherever i go. it's always in my mind playing over and over in different variations, different keys, and different patterns. it's something that affects me on another level entirely.

falling in love with a new song is like falling in love with a stranger. it's refreshing and different. it's exciting and you have no idea what to expect. it will take you anywhere it wants to and there is nothing you can do about it.

that's not to say there isn't music i find horribly annoying--but that's part of the fun.

anyway, there is no way i can or will ever be able to write anything that explains my relationship with music. so, i'm going to stop now!

--this week was pretty cool. work was chill. shot two events and i feel they both went pretty well. i'm waiting to hear back from the client of the most recent event...and i really hope she's happy with them as I could tell the pictures were of huge importance to her.

a girl and a boy

so, some random girl asked me out to dinner tonight.


didn't see that one coming.


it was fun.


peace!

is anyone truly happy?

i often think that i am. some days i'll take a seat. relax. think to myself -- "i am so very happy right now."

then there are other days where i find myself wondering if i really am happy. it's not that i'm sad, but maybe confused. where is my life going? where is this path taking me, and how can i be sure to end up where i want to.

keeping in touch with carrie has been nice, but i still wonder what i'm doing with her. what do i expect to happen? i don't want to move back to lynchburg any time soon, and by staying in touch it's really unfair to her. i know she doesn't feel like she can really move on with me saying "i still love you." it's true that i do, but is it fair for me to tell her that? not really. i think it's just me being selfish. i don't want to face finally having her let go by dating other people.

hanging out with graham is usually pretty fun, but today it just kind of sucked. he's got such a different perspective on what's important in life than i do. i know his mind is filled with complicated/deep thoughts, but all he let's himself truly contemplate is money and appearances...and definitely to a point that's unhealthy. he's such a smart guy, but i feel like he's so concerned and confused about what he really wants out of life that he focuses all his energy on things that he has complete control over....like his money and possessions. i think if he could see how valueless those things are then he would be set free from his conflicted thoughts and unhappiness. i think he could really do incredible things. but, his pessimistic view (on pretty much everything) in life is such an easy way for him to feel like he can contribute an opinion--even if it's negative it's still a contribution...and to him that's better than nothing.

i believe if he were able to take risks with things he has no control over--like putting more effort into a creative outlet--he would truly be happy. creativity (at least as i see it) is releasing your logic and forethought to make something unique and beautiful. right now, the only outlet he has no control over is drinking himself insane-- and that's such a cheap way to feel happy and comfortable.

i'd like to think that he will have some sort of life epiphany, but i have a feeling that as long as "adult life" is as easy on him as it has been...he won't change for the better.

i am a product of failing our public school system

i really am. i've rarely succeed in an academic setting. tests? lectures? open discussions? they just aren't for me. i've recently realized that i am currently successful in my life, in fact, more so than many of my peers. i've even noticed that at work i am much "smarter" than many of my co-workers. it's a strange mind set to have. especially since i know i'm not very smart...at all. i know that i'm not! it takes me forever to comprehend even simple things. i can't read too deeply into conversations, or even follow a discussion or argument for more than a few minutes before my mind wanders and looses all the tangential relationships (is that even a correct phrase?). So, I'm really wondering how the fuck people are so stupid! Are they really dumber than I am? Does it really take them that much longer to understand things than me? Even this blog post....it's horribly written and hardly structured in any way.

here is the key.

after i'm done writing what pathetic non-sense i think i can i'll go back and refine everything i say. i'll make edits. look for the incredible errors, and fix them....usually correctly. it might not make up for the poor ideas and conclusions, but it certainly makes things seem smarter. and that's my catch. i create the deception of smartness around everything i say and do. even when i'm actually making a very poor conclusion in a average conversation...i'll make it a joke and it's usually perceived as being clever, and sometimes even funny!

anyway, this post wasn't nearly as good as i had envisioned in my mind before writing it, but that's okay. i'm really just trying to type my thoughts as quickly as i can before i make all the edits it's going to need. so, i'm going to conclude this post making it clear that i'm not very smart. i'm actually pretty dumb, but by realizing the weak spots in the fabric of our society...and exploiting them...i'm a genius!

so exhausted all the time...

recently i've noticed that i'm getting more and more tired after I get home from work. i'm starting to wonder if it has something to do with the longer commute, but it's more likely the fact that i go to bed at 3am---give or take. i really need to get into a better habit of things for my sleep pattern. it's such a hard cycle to break! hopefully, working out more will help with that...among other things.

there isn't much better than a solid work out. it's like a toxic clean out for the entire body...and to top it off you look and feel better!

anyway, i think i've finally come up with some new concepts for paintings. should be interesting. definitely will let gravity do it's thing in a new way....or so i hope! i'll certainly post some shots if it works out well.

well, this is short and i am out...PEACE

so proud.

the person i am most proud of in my entire life is my mother. she has overcome so much in her life, and (thankfully for me) a lot of it has been in the past 6 years. I have been able to see her face her challenges head on after reaching rock bottom. I have seen her become happy, but not by the use of prescription drugs (unlike mot people these days), rather by dedicating herself to her passions and goals. there isn't much else i can say about my mother except that i am so blessed to be able to be proud of my family. from my observations it almost never seems to work out from this side. i mean, it always seems to be the mother/father is proud of the kids and the kids get that reassurance and blah blah. but for me, i'm able to realize (most of) what my mother has faced and see her crush it down with a vengeance. i guess i consider my mom the ultimate independent woman, and i love that about her. she joined the military at a time when women were certainly not welcome to. she raised two kids (and i was no easy kid to raise. in fact, probably one of the worst) on her own, and though she made mistakes (who the fuck doesn't?) kate and i have come out just fine. fantastic, in fact. i hope that someday i can explain to my mother just how appreciative i am of everything she does for kate and i. just by her living i have leanred some of the greatest lessons in my life. so, thanks mom :)

see how it molds and shapes and reacts and creates

so, another friday night at barnes writing and exploring the internet. fun fun. tonight seems a bit different though. i finished my book "the last lecture" earlier today and i guess it got me thinking. am i doing the right things in my life? do i have enough drive? am i managing my money (no) responsibly? is the risk i'm taking on worth the reward when i feel so lackadaisical about music? most people would definitely say yes. then again most people don't have life long goals or passions.

i'm not sure i'm doing all that i can. often times i feel like if i'm not working or creating something in some way than i need to be recording and making music. even if it's complete shit that has nothing to do with anything. everything can be a learning experience if you look at it with the right perspective. in fact, you learn the most from your biggest failures. but i don't i just watch a mythbusters episode or ding around gearslutz.

i think the amount of debt i'm taking on is starting to affect me in negative ways. i need to develop a plan so that paying back is set in stone. a strict budget. this year should start that. having a pay raise of some sort would certainly help with that, but i think it's unlikely that i'll be getting anything over $5000, which in my field is total shit....though with the state of the economy i'm lucky as hell to be where i am. bah, i get off on too many tangents.

i guess the main question i find myself wondering is whether or not i'm doing as much as i should be towards my goal of working full time in sound. i'm on the web researching and reading constantly, but what am i really learning? i think i need to find a way to work nights in a studio somewhere. yea. that'd be the day (no pun intended). I would kill to do that, even cleaning up the dirty bathrooms if it meant i could have actual session sit in time / learning on steroids. well, i won't ever get there by recording in my bedroom all my life. i need to throw together a resume and start making calls. that also means i need to invent a way to set myself apart from the 1000 kids that attempt the same thing every week around here. i guess my only real advantage right now is that i have some much nice gear! i mean what kid my age has a $8000 mic?? NO ONE. But real engineers don't give a fuck about that. not in the least. i realize this. i purchased that mic for my own benefit. so i could see what real pro gear sounds like and how it molds and shapes and reacts and creates. i feel it will be a real benefit when and if i finally take the step into commercial audio.

i'll tell you...most engineers aren't very well rounded. it's plain obvious. i guess that's one aspect of myself that a pro may find appealing. i have so many interests that i've developed in the last 15 years. photography, painting, computers, programming, web design, server management, art design, playing violin, guitar, drums, bass, singing, soldering, building, researching, math (haha kind of), networking, hacking, politics, writing (not very well), traveling, i mean geeze. i feel like i should retire and die already! i feel like most of my peers are good at two good things and one of them probably includes video games.

well, today i read some thing that struck me deeply in stephen's blog (from anberlin) and randy p.'s book (last lecture). they both ad dedicated entries about how people need to just ASK things. just ask questions. ask if you can tag along, ask if you can go there, take that, sit there. ask her out. ask for a raise, or a discount. ask for a strangers opinion. ask for everything! just see what happens and typically the worst that can happen is a "no." i mean how difficult is that to take when it boils down to it? not very difficult. i need to start asking for things. i never do. ever. i have problems asking for a soda refill during lunch. it's sad. i know. shy me doesn't want to put any body out...even if it's their job.

at least i can reflect on these thoughts! i'm out for the weekend (hopefully recording in f'burg) as tiffany has bailed on me tonight i'll probably just chill at home and do some mic tests of the blue caps for some gearslutz.


peace.

another day in another place...

so, here i am back at b&n. chilln with one of my roommates, who happens to be reading two books at once. very nice. anyway, it's been a while since i've been able to blog/had a place to do it so it's nice to be back in the swing of things. these couple weeks of vacation have been so nice, but i fear i'll be too lackadaisical to do much at work for a while now that i'm so used to all the bs days of nothing to do. i imagine the photography aspect of things will pick up considerably, which i am pretty excited about. i'm really hoping that my year review goes well...with a raise, and some other perks...but in this economy...who knows! 

so, new years ways cool. decided to just stick it out by myself, which was refreshing and (i felt) original. it really gave me time to reflect and just explore my own thoughts for the evening, which i haven't been able to do undistributed for a while now. it's actually really nice to be back living in VA for that exact reason, as I feel like there are many more places/chances to just drive away to some place and chill out like i used to do all the time. maybe i can find a spot to write some music, though i'm really enjoying my basement a lot more than my old place. 

i've recently purchased a fair amount of new gear. i'm kind of uneasy about it, which bothers me a little bit, but i hope it will pay off in the end. some of the recent tracks i've recorded for hope at hand and myself have turned out extremely well, but when it's all said and done, it's just unclear to me how i'll eventually meet my goals of working in audio full time. it's on my mind a lot, and i pray about it a lot as well. my trust is in God so I guess that's the best I can do for now.

i'm gonna head out and get some other stuff done. nice to be back. peace!