is anyone truly happy?

i often think that i am. some days i'll take a seat. relax. think to myself -- "i am so very happy right now."

then there are other days where i find myself wondering if i really am happy. it's not that i'm sad, but maybe confused. where is my life going? where is this path taking me, and how can i be sure to end up where i want to.

keeping in touch with carrie has been nice, but i still wonder what i'm doing with her. what do i expect to happen? i don't want to move back to lynchburg any time soon, and by staying in touch it's really unfair to her. i know she doesn't feel like she can really move on with me saying "i still love you." it's true that i do, but is it fair for me to tell her that? not really. i think it's just me being selfish. i don't want to face finally having her let go by dating other people.

hanging out with graham is usually pretty fun, but today it just kind of sucked. he's got such a different perspective on what's important in life than i do. i know his mind is filled with complicated/deep thoughts, but all he let's himself truly contemplate is money and appearances...and definitely to a point that's unhealthy. he's such a smart guy, but i feel like he's so concerned and confused about what he really wants out of life that he focuses all his energy on things that he has complete control over....like his money and possessions. i think if he could see how valueless those things are then he would be set free from his conflicted thoughts and unhappiness. i think he could really do incredible things. but, his pessimistic view (on pretty much everything) in life is such an easy way for him to feel like he can contribute an opinion--even if it's negative it's still a contribution...and to him that's better than nothing.

i believe if he were able to take risks with things he has no control over--like putting more effort into a creative outlet--he would truly be happy. creativity (at least as i see it) is releasing your logic and forethought to make something unique and beautiful. right now, the only outlet he has no control over is drinking himself insane-- and that's such a cheap way to feel happy and comfortable.

i'd like to think that he will have some sort of life epiphany, but i have a feeling that as long as "adult life" is as easy on him as it has been...he won't change for the better.